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Book. 



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K^i. i\»^ i\>2. ^o-^ .rh 



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THE 



VISION OF JUDGMENT; 



OS, 



A PRESENT FOR THE WEIGS OF '76 & '37. 



IN TEN PARTS. 



I 



BY JUNIUS, Ju 



WITH ILLUSTRATIONS 



NEW-YORK: W 

PUBLISHED BY H. R. ROBINSON, 32 COURTLANDT STREET. ^ 

I8;i8. .$t^ 



Scatclierd and Adams, Printers 



^^ 







,j!^,. Su.ro ny- 



THE OLD ROMAN. 



THE 



VISION OF JUDGMENT; 



OR, 



A PRESENT FOR THE WHIGS OF '76 & '37. 



IN TEN PARTS. 



BY JUNIUS, Jk. 



WITH ILLUSTRATIONS 



NEW-YORK; 

PUBLISHED BY H. R. ROBINSON, 52 COURTLANDT STREET. 

1838. 



F3 r- 



[Entered according to the Act of Congress of the United States of America, in 
the year 1838, by Robinson & Hyatt, in the Clerk's Office of the Southern 
District of New- York.] 



N Bw- York: 

Printed by Scatcherd & Adams, 

No. 38 Gold Street. 



DEDICATION. 



To the '' Old Roman," who so successfully waged 
war against the ''Monster," and through whose 
humble efforts to restore the constitutional currency 
the merciful desire that " all who trade on borrowed 
capital ought to break," has been so fully gratified in 
the destruction of credit and commerce : — To the 
'• Great Magician," who found more " glory ^^ in serv- 
ing his " chief, ^^ than in serving his country — and 
following in the ^'footsteps " of his " Predecessor," 
than treading in the footsteps of Independence : — To 
" The Great Tumble Bug," who so successfully " set 
his ball in motion ;" — To " The Great Humbug," who 
too successfully tickled the palates of a confiding 
people, with gilded " mint drops ;" — To " The Great 
Expunger^^^ now in the bankruptcy of the govern- 
ment, " The Great Ex-Spunger :" — To the rats of 
Government-hill — the wolves, tigers, and jackalls, as 
well as the ravenous birds of the hickory tree — and 
to the whole hickory fraternity, the " buck-tails," the 
" agrarians," the " loco-focos," and " levelers," and 
all others, wherever and whoever they are, these 
pages are respectfully inscribed, by the 

AUTHOR 



INTRODUCTION 



The noble poet hath said, that " 'tis greatly wise 
to talk with our past hours." To nations, this re- 
mark is no less applicable than to individuals. From 
the fields of experience, wisdom, if carefully sought, 
may sometimes be gleaned; though it not un frequent- 
ly happens that wisdom, thus obtained, finds its pos- 
sessor in the predicament of one who " paid too dear 
for his whistle." To assert that every action has a 
motive, is to assert what every body knows ; to assert 
that every body investigates motives, Avould be to 
assert what every body knows to be untrue. In the 
shifting scenes on the stage of private life, few are 
at the pains to examine into its secret mechanism ; 
and in the scenes o^ iwlitical life, how few of the multi- 
tude, who wonder at its gorgeousness and are delight- 
ed with its changes, are acquainted with the actors 
behind the scenes — the tinselry — the charmed wires 
— the trap doors, or the mock-thunder of political jug- 
glers. In the following pages the writer has endea- 
vored to exhibit the secret wires, which, during the 
last eight years, have worked Uncle Sam into a va- 
riety of strange positions — have kept him dancing to 



many strange tunes, and at last have caused him to 
throw a somerset from glory's glittering height into 
" the slough of despond," yclept " shin-plaster lake" 
As many may feel curious to know the manner in 
which the writer became acquainted with the many 
strange things here related, he takes this opportunity 
to remark that it was not in an ordinary way of 
dreaming, but entirely under a magnetic influence, 
that the scenes of the past were opened to his vision, 
and " coming events cast their shadows before." 

Junius, Jr. 
JVew- York J January 1st, 1838. 



THE VISION OF JUDGMENT 



" Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep." 
" The fox barks not when he would steal the lamb." 

" And wer't not madness, fhen, 
To make the fox surveyor of the fold 1 
Who. being accused a crafty murderer, 
His guilt should be but idly posted over 
Because his purpose was not executed 1 
No ! let him die in that he is a fox, 
By nature proved an enemy to the flock. 
Before his chaps are stained with crimson blood, 
Nor stand on guillets how to slay him." 

Shakspeare — Second part of Henry VI. Act III. 

Part I. 

In my dream I was in the midst of an extensive 
plain, in the centre of which stood a hill, called 
Government Hill ; to the left of it stood another 
and smaller one, called " Congress Hill." On the 
summit of the former stood a tall and wide-spreading 
hickory tree, whose branches were filled with birds 
of every description — vultures^ cormorants^ jackdaws, 
magpies, etc. In its shade were reposing droves of 
icolves, hyenas, jackalls, ounces, and other ravenous 
beasts. In the sides of the hill were numerous cre- 
vices, infested by a multitude of rats. At the foot of 
the hill a noble Mastiff was reclining, with his paw 



8 

resting upon a large bag, marked U. S. Although 
the marks of age were evidently upon him, yet the 
symmetry of his form, and the flashing of his eye, 
gave evidence that the fire of more youthful years 
vs^as not entirely extinguished. 

The hickory tree, as I before remarked, w^as very 
tall. It w^as likewise broad and holloiv at the base — 
large enough to contain a small tea party. At this 
time there were but two personages within. One, 
whom from his appearance I judged to be the sjjirit 
of the tree, was a creature with the head of a man 
and the body of a lion ; — at least so at a superficial 
glance it appeared — but on a closer inspection the 
ass might be detected under the lion^s skin. At his 
side stood his Mentor, in the form of a fox, with a lit- 
tle pair of red whiskers. Being curious to hear what 
conversation could be passing between . two such 
funny looking creatures, I listened, and overheard 
the folio v^ing amusing dialogue, which is here given 
" verbatim ad literatim :" — 

Ass. — Truly, thou art a clever fox, and mighty 
cunning of thy kind. 

Fox. — At thy bidding, honored chief, me thou'lt 
always ready find. 

Ass. — And wilt thou always follow in my foot- 
steps ? 

Fox. — 

" VW follow — or lead thee about, around, 
Through bog, through brake, through busli, through brier — 

Sometime a horse I'll be — sometime a hound — 
A hog, a beardless bear — sometime a fire — 
And neigh, and bark, and grunt, and roar, and burn, 
Like horse, hound, hog, bear, fire at every turn." 



2 
O 

n 



If 


-I 

n 

Ft 




Part II. 

The next, and by far the most important event 
Avhicli attracted my attention, was observing that 
the rats, whose nests were in the holes and crevices of 
Government Hill, were trying to nibbk from the bag 
which the old Mastiff was guarding ; but a low growl, 
and a certain warning movement of the paw, fright- 
ened them off. Consulting togetlier for a while, they 
next endeavored to bribe him with some/res/i meat. 
Failing in this, also, and finding themselves neither 
able to steal nor hrihcj they resolved upon revenge. 

To this end they called a general meeting of all 
the rats, vultures, cormorants, magpies, hyenas, 
wolves, bears, tigers, etc. These all assembled to- 
gether at midnight, in a large cave immediately un- 
der the hickory tree, called " The Kitchen Cabi- 
net." 

The meeting was called to order — Little Fox in 
the chair, and brother Amos secretary. Among the 
resolutions passed on that memorable occasion, were 
the following : 

" 1st. Resolved, That to the vietors belong the 
spoils of the vanquished. 

" 2d. Resolved, That icc are the victors. 

" 3d. Resolved, That the Mastiff liolds the spoils, 
which by right belong to us as the victors. 

" 4th. Resolved, That we are tiie Representa- 
tives of the pco])le. 

" 5th. Resolveil, That the interests of the people 

2 



10 



are the interests of their officers ; therefore the inte- 
rests of the officers are the interests of the people. 

" 6th. Resolved, That we are the people. 

" 7th. Resolved, That the Mastiff is an animal 
dangerous to the interests of the peojjle : — therefore, 

" 8th. Resolved, That the Mastiff is a Monster! 

" 9th. Resolved, That all monsters should be de- 
stroyed: Ergo, the Mastiff should be destroyed ! !^^ 

All these resolutions w^ere received vi^ith great 
cheering by the whole meeting, and passed without 
a dissenting voice ; when a creature in the form of a 
tumble-bug, whom I had not observed before, now 
mounted the back of a hyena, and spoke to the fol- 
lowing effect : — 

" I wish to suggest, Mr. President, that the people 
must be made to see that the Mastiff is a monster, 
before we attempt to molest him; — otherwise we 
shall only bring ruin upon our own heads, and the 
heads of our friends. This is a grave question, Mr. 
President, and one vitally important to the success 
of our enterprise. I therefore move, if it be your 
pleasure, that an eye salve be prepared for the peo- 
ple, which shall enable them all to see the hideous- 
ness of the monster as we do !" — (Hear, hear !) 

" I move that every individual in this hall this ve- 
ry night go forth to gather the proper materials for 
making such a compound, — I myself will volunteer 
to lead the way !" — (Great cheering, with cries of 
hear, hear !) 

" I therefore move, Mr. President, that we proceed 



11 



at once to business, and the work is done !" — (Im- 
mense cheering, witli cries of " we will, we will !") 

Here they all jumped up, and fell to work in good 
earnest. Some brought wood for the fire — others 
manufactured a large golden canldron as if by magic 
— while others again, headed by the " tumble-bug," 
went forth to gather roots, minerals, and herbs of va- 
rious kinds, to make the " salve ;" and as they went, 
they all broke forth in the following chaunt : — 

" The raging rocks 
With shivering shocks 
Shall break the locks 

Of prison gates ; 
And Phoebus' car 
Shall shine from far, 
And make and mar 

The foolish fates." 

In a few moments they all returned, each bearing 
a bundle on his back, which was quickly thrown into 
the cauldron, when commenced the terrible incanta- 
tion of Macbeth, by Little Fox, Brother Amos, and 
Tumble-Bug : — 

" Thrice the brinded cat hath mcw'd." 

" Double, double, toil and trouble, 
Fire burn and cauldron bubble." 

All together. — 

" Black spirits and white, 

Red spirits and grey ; 
Mingle, mingle, mingle, 

You that mingle may." 

The Shade of Washington, accompanied bv the 
Spirit of Liberty, now stalked into the cave, wliich 
for a few moments threw the whole assembly into 
the greatest consternation ; but their consummate 



12 

assurance did not permit them lonc^ to remain awed, 
even by the shade of the great "Pater Patria," and 
the Guardian SrmiT of Columbia, who now, in hollow 
and reproachful tones, exclaimed : — 

" How now, ye black and midnight wretches 7 — 
what is't ye do V 

All. — A deed witliout a name ! 

" What prompts you to this fiend-like, patricidal 
work 7" 

AIL— 

' Revenge! Nor shall our purpose slacken, 
'E'en though the fiercest winds of Heaven 
Are all let loose against the land ; — 
Though the yesty waves 
Confound and swallow navigation up ; — 
Though CREDIT perish, and though COMMERCE dies— 
Though bladed corn be lodged, and trees blown down, 
Though the treasure of our country's germinis tumble all together, 
E'en till destriietion sicken !" 

Exeunt the Shade of Washington and the Spirit of 
Liberty, exclaiming : — 

" Spirits of evil, 
Ye hasten your doom ; — 

When to your revel 
Again we shall come — 
That revel shall be in the cavern of shame, 
And the curse of a nation shall rest on your name !" 

Tumble-Bug now arose, and offered the following 
resolutions : — 

" Resolved, That the eye-salve now made be call- 
ed the " Golden Magical Magnifying Mixture, or 
Bentonian Eye-Salve." Carried. 

" Resolved, That the first experiment be made on 
the eyes of the LION." Carried. 



Part III. 

Scene — Inside of the hickory tree — Lion asleep — Fox 
applying the " Golden Magical JMagiiifving Mix- 
ture " to the eyes of the lion, soliloipiizing thus: — 

" On the ground 
Sleep sound ; 
I'll iipply 
To your eye, 
Gentle ass, a remedy." 

" When thou wakest 

Thou takest 

No delight 

In the sight 
Of ihy former Mastiff's eye ; — 
And tiie country proverb known 
That every inan should take his own, 
In your waking shall be shown." 

Presently the lion awoke, and came forth upon the 
hill to " shake himself as at other times." No soon- 
er did he espy the mastiff, than, lashing the earth 
with his tail in great fury, he set up a terrible roar. 

" Well roared, lion !" said the fox, who was stand- 
ing by ; " try it again, my lord." 

So the lion set up another roar, louder than the 
first, and lashed the ground again so furiously witli 
his tail, that I actually began to fear he would pretty 
soon have no tail left. 

So far, the " Golden Magical Magnifying Mixture " 
worked to a charm. The fox now advised that run- 
ners should be sent out among " the people," each 
one furnished with a good supply of the mixture ; that 
they should carefully note who among them were 



14 



able to see, and that all those who were not thus 
able, should be made to see. 

Now, it was curious to behold the surprise of the 
people when the news first came to them concerning 
the monster. Some said they believed they could see 
a little something singular in his appearance now 
they were told of it, though they did not believe they 
should ever have observed it had it not have been 
pointed out to them. Others said they did not per- 
ceive any thing unusual in the mastiff, unless it 
might perchance be some slight signs of age. 

" Oh, something must be the matter with your 
eyes .'" said the cunning distributors of the " eye- 
salve." 

" Something must be the matter with your eyes .'" 
said the hyena, the jackall, the jackdaw and the 
magpie in a breath ; " allow us to rub a little of the 
' eye-salve ' on your optics, and then shall you be 
able to see clearly." Here they applied the " gold- 
en mixture," when one cried out — 

" Oh noio I can see his horns .'" 

*' And I can see his toi/.'" cried another. 

" And I can see his clmcs .'" screamed a third. 

"I see ten heads P^ yelled a fourth. 

" I see thirty ! .'" echoed a fifth. 

" And I count a hundred !! /" added a sixth ; while 
others were ready to be sworn that they could count 
five hundred, each having one eye, and that in the 
centre of the forehead. Some said the eyes looked 
to them like so many full moons. To others they 



15 



appeared as large as the side of a house, while the 
horns were as high as a common church steeple. 

Nothing now was talked of but '* the Monster," 
" the Monster;" and from one end of the plain to the 
other — from morn till midnight and from midnight 
until morn, the startling cry of "Monster! Monster!" 
was heard. From the height of Government-hill, 
the shrill cry of vultures, cormorants, and jackdaws 
echoed it forth ; and when the last echo of their notes 
was dying in the distance, the hyenas, wolves and 
jackalls of the tree prolonged the song, and gave it 
forth to the midnight winds in a most unearthly 
growl. Consternation universal now prevailed. In 
different parts of the plain, groups of agitated coun- 
tenances might be seen collected together, pointing 
by the moon's pale light to the " Monster," and pre- 
dicting ruin, havoc, and distress. And many was the 
good Catholic I saw on his knees, praying for the re- 
turn of the "seven brave champions of Christendom." 

Finding that things were going on so well, the 
Government brood held another meeting in the cave, 
when, after hearing the reports of the runners who 
had been out ainong the people applying the " Gold- 
en Magical Magnifying Mixture," on motion of Lit- 
tle Fox, it was resolved that they should construct 
an inmiense cannon of solid gold, to be mounted on 
a carriage with " patent frictionless wheels," ranged 
alongside of the hickory tree, and to be called " the 
Great Gun Experiment." " By this measure," ob- 
served the fox, "we shall accomplish several very 
important objects; — for, in the first place, we shall 



16 



slay the monster, and obtain possession of the bag: 
second, we shall obtain the vengeance we desire : 
third, we shall allay the fears of the people, and 
make ourselves Heroes in their eyes; and fourth, 
by this we shall obtain over them the sway we seek, 
and rule and revel to our heart's content !" 

The advice of the fox being thought good by the 
assembly, preparations were immediately made, and 
the gun cast. The next day, in the presence of the 
whole nation, was the " Experiment" brought forth 
and mounted. Great were the rejoicings among the 
people, and still greater was the joy of the Govern- 
ment brood, who with ravenous appetites were wait- 
ing for the spoils. 

Part IV. 

While these preparations were making for the de- 
struction of the noble old mastiff, whose only crime 
was that of having served his country faithfully, he 
had sought relief in another quarter. To the left of 
Government-hill, as I have before mentioned, stood a 
mound or elevation of earth, called " Congress-hill," 
where at this time I saw assembled a great many 
persons curiously dressed, and all carrying fire-arms. 
Birds of various kinds were continually flying back 
and forth from the people to the assembly, and from 
the assembly to the people, — from the hickory tree 
to the assembly, and from the assembly to the hick- 
ory tree. Among them were petition birds of vari- 
ous kinds, abolition birds, colonization birds, loco- 



V j^"^ 




17 



foco birds, monopoly bank birds, custom-house birds, 
tariff birds, anti-tariff birds, birds of ways and means, 
treasury birds, Veto birds, war department birds, 
navy department birds, birds of foreign relations, etc. 
Whenever any of these birds came, they immediately 
alighted upon a Ioav bush which was growing in the 
centre of the hill, and then commenced the firing. 
Those who wished to destroy the birds, fired at them. 
Those who would preserve their lives, immediately 
commenced throwing up a breastwork for their pro- 
tection, and firing at those who would kill them. 
Some of the assembly had " the patent non-recoil 
guns," which could be discharged fifty times in a 
second. Some had hickory bows and golden-headed 
arrows — others had slings and " mint drops^ Some 
Q,2ixuedi jjop-guns and sliced potatoes, while a few had 
constitutional cannons, and the real " simon pure " 
to load them with. Their balls were cast from a 
metal called " stubborn facts ;" — their powder was a 
composition of truth, eloquence and reason ; — their 
wadding was manufactured by the hands of Liberty, 
and the percussion caps by her sister Justice. These 
cannon were all of different calibre ; the largest was 
owned by a dignified and rather portly personage, of 
a dark complexion, who came from the north-eastern 
part of the plain. The next in size was owned by a 
very tall and spare gentleman from the southern sec- 
tion ; his cannon was not quite so large in the diam- 
eter, but greater in the length of its bore. The third 
was owned by a gentleman from the same section 

3 



18 



of the plain as the first. This cannon was called 
" the revolutionary blunderbuss," and was given him 
by his father, who had taught him, when almost an 
infant, how to load it. The fourth was a southern 
cannon, with two bores to it; — one was called the 
" constitutional bore," and the other the " anti-con- 
stitutional bore." The owner was an eccentric indi- 
vidual, who would one day fire off from the constitu- 
tional side, and the next the anti-constitutional ; nay, 
he was so eccentric, that sometimes he would lire 
them both off together. He was known among the 
assembly as " the versatile genius," and his gun was 
called "the nullification nine-pounder." 

Such was the assembly to which the old mastiff 
now determined to appeal. Accordingly, a " petition 
bird " was sent, bearing a memorial in its bill, pray- 
ing " that a quart of aqua-vitce, or constitutional 
elixir of life, should be sent to the mastiff to length- 
en out his existence for a few more years." 

No sooner had this bird alighted on the bush, than 
a general firing commenced by all the hickory bow, 
sling, and mint-drop, and pop-gun tribe. The cry of 
"Monster! Monster!" was heard in shrill notes 
from the vultures and cormorants of the hickory tree. 
The Lion set up another hideous roar, while the Fox 
ran round among the pop-guns, hickory bows, etc, 
to advise, strengthen, and encourage them. Imme- 
diately after the departure of the fox, this formidable 
objection was urged against the mastiff, viz : " That 
his bowels were out of order, his limbs out of joint, 
and his under-jaw broken; and as the constitutional 



19 

elixir was not intended to set bones nor heal bruises, 
therefore they were opposed to coiitinuiiin^ the life of 
an animal so inlirni as to be incompetent to fuUil his 
duties." This falsehood of the mastiff's enemies was 
soon exposed by the owners of the constitutional 
cannons, for at their suggestion a committee of doc- 
tors was appointed to examine the Monster and re- 
port thereon to the assembly. Accordingly, after a 
careful inspection of liis limbs, bowels, etc., they re- 
turned with a report, of wliich the following is an 
exact copy : — 

" We, the undersigned, physicians to the common- 
wealth of the United States of America, having been 
appointed by your honorable body to examine into 
the physical condition of a certain mastiff, or watch- 
dog of the republic, and report thereon, do report : 

" That we have examined said dog in the most 
careful manner, from the tip of his nose to the end of 
his tail, and find him sound in both wind and limb. 
Not a tooth in his head that is broken, nor a bone out 
of joint. His bowels are in an exceedingly regular 
and healthy state ; he needed neither emetics nor ca- 
thartics. We ascertained that he had never been 
under a physician's care ; and so little ailment has 
there ever been about him, that he has never taken 
either pills, " lobelia," or " composition tea," in his life. 
His heart and pulse beat regular and strong ; his 
tongue was perfectly clean, and, in short, his whole 
appearance indicated a sound organization and a 
system free from disease. We therefore, in the con- 
scientious discharge of the duty imposed upon us, do 



20 

declare said mastiff to be every way worthy of the 
c onfidence of your honorable body, and the whole 
republic. All which is respectfully submitted. 

JAMES GOODINTENT, M. D. 
JONATHAN SHARPEYE, M. D. 
GEORGE S. CRITIC, M. D. 
W. T. BONESETTER, M. D. 
WM. L. LOOKINTOTHEBOWELS,M.D." 

After the reading of this report, which was receiv- 
ed with great acclamation by all the friends of the 
mastiff and the republic ; on motion, it was resolv- 
ed, That ten thousand copies be printed. Next, a 
resolution was offered by the owner of the long gun, 
that a quart of aqua vitce be at once sent to the mas- 
tiff, which was carried, and the life-giving element 
immediately measured out. The vessel, with its con- 
tents, was now sent to the Lion to be flavored with 
a few drops of executive essence^ of which he un- 
fortunately was the sole possessor. No sooner was 
the vessel brought into the presence of the old fellow, 
and the name of the mastiff mentioned, than he fell 
into the greatest rage imaginable, cursing in the 
most awful manner, and swearing, by a terrible oath, 
that the Monster should never have his life prolong- 
ed by liis instrumentality. Not only so, but he be- 
gan to kick and roar so that the very mountain 
shook again. His fury at length arose to such a 
pitch, that he dashed the vessel from the hands of 
the messenger — spilled its contents — broke it in a 
thousand pieces, and ordered the bearer of it to de- 
part at once out of his sight. 



21 



Part V. 

The scene now was suddenly shifted, as scenes in 
dreams are wont to be. I saw the Lion marching 
slowly down the hill, attended by his little friend, 
the Fox, who at this time was leading, or rather pre- 
ceding him. With a very insinuating air he bowed 
to all whom he met ; and now and then put to his 
mouth a little tin trumpet, which he carried in his 
hand, and after one or two blasts he called in a 
loud voice — 

" The Lion is coming, oho! oho ! 
The Lion is coming, oho !" 

Then in a graceful manner he bowed obsequiously 
to the multitude, in a loud voice exclaiming — 

" Be kind and courteous to this gentleman, — 
Hop in his walks and gambol in his eyes ; 
Nod to him all, and do him courtesies." 

After proceeding in this manner all over the plain, 
forming many personal acquaintances and gaining 
many friends, they returned again to the tree. This 
journey came very near costing the poor old ass his 
life ; for on the way his lion's skin blew off, so that 
he caught a violent cold, which laid him up for some 
days after his return. A few doses, however, of 
" No. 6," a quart or two of " composition tea," and 
half a pound of "lobelia," restored his health. But 
in the meantime, to keep up the interest excited 
among the people by Ins visit among them, Reynard, 
with his accustomed subtlety, takes the old I'ellow's 



22 



iDliite hat, and throwing a silver arch over it, with 
the magical word " Glory " lettered on it in gold, 
places it on the very top of the tree, so that all, even 
at the greatest distance, may see it. The effect was 
as he had anticipated ; for no sooner did the beams 
of the sun fall upon the magical word " Glory," than 
the eyes of all the people became so dazzled that 
each one fell to capering " like mad." " Glory! Glo- 
ry ! Glory !" was the watchword. Nothing could the 
people talk or think about but gold and glory ; and 
all over the plain, wherever hickory trees were grow- 
ing, now they were dressed up with flags, white 
hats, and mottos of glory. 

Part VI. 

The time seemed now to have fairly arrived for 
making the most successful attack upon the Mon- 
ster. The assembly had dispersed — the people 
were all in ecstacies at the glory of their Assanine 
Chief, — while the vultures of Government-hill, as 
w^ell as the jackalls, hyenas, and all the rest of the 
hickory tree brood, were ready to seize upon the 
prey. Great preparations were accordingly made ; 
an extra quantity of " fulminating powder " was 
manufactured in the " kitchen cabinet ;" balls and 
blank cartridges were prepared in abundance; — 
and finally, the " Great Gun Experiment," mount- 
ed on a carriage with patent frictionless wheels, was 
dragged to the brow of the hill by sixteen rats, 
twelve vultures, three hyenas, two bears, three 



23 



wolves, and nine jack-asses. Matty, tlic fox, grave 
the gun its proper inclination, while the jjsucdo lion 
Chief gave the signal for applying the match, by 
braying three times at the top of his Aoice, and 
shaking his tail, to signify the word— ^rc / The 
cannonading continued three days and nights without 
interruption — during all which time the friends of 
the mastiff, by argument and other constitutional 
means, endeavored to save him, but in vain. The 
mastiff was wounded, and at length destroyed. The 
bag was seized by the hickory fraternity, placed on 
the back of the ass, and borne in triumpli up the hill 
amid the shoutings of the multitude. Here it was 
taken off by the attendants, and opened. Instead of 
keeping it tied up in one large hag^ I perceived that 
they were dividing it into many smaller ones, at 
which my astonishment for awhile was very great, 
until, turning my eyes in another direction, I discov- 
ered a whole troop of little bushy tail curs, tearing 
full split from every quarter of the plain, and making 
straight for the hill. Ev^ery one seemed straining 
himself to the utmost, and each striving to outstrip 
his neighbor. Presently they all reached the hill, 
when a selection from among them was made by 
the Lion, with the advice of his counsellor Matty. 
Those of the bushy tails who obtained possession of 
one or more bags, "streaked off"' down the hill very 
much delighted; while, on the contrary, those who 
were not so fortunate, sneaked home in a very dis- 
consolate manner, with their tails between their legs, 
and their ears hanging. Assembly-hill was now all 



24 



in an uproar. The constitutional cannon party 
went on at a terrible rate — calling the poor old mis- 
guided ass every thing but a gentleman — declaring 
that his conduct was " unconstitutional, tyrannical, 
uncalled for, and unjust in the highest degree ; that 
it was derogatory to the national character, the ex- 
ecutive of he nation, and every principle of moral 
equity." Not satisfied with thus expressing their 
feelings, they went further, and insisted on having 
this sentence of condemnation entered in the nation- 
al record, so that posterity might know that their 
hands were clean from the blood of the murdered 
mastiff. Accordingly the sentence passed by an im- 
mense majority, and was in due form entered in the 
record of the nation, where it would have been until 
this day, but for a circumstance which will hereaf- 
ter appear. 

The next resolution which passed the assembly 
was, that a monument should be erected to the me- 
mory of the mastiff, immediately over the spot where 
he fell. Active steps were immediately taken, and 
the monument prepared. It was an oblong block of 
marble, ten feet long, four feet wide, and six feet 
high. On either side of it was this incription : — 

" Done to death by slanderous tongues, 

Was the hero that here lies ; 
Death, in guerdon of his wrongs, 

Gives him fame that never dies." 

On each end was a cannon in basso relievo, and the 
word Experiment, in raised letters, immediately un- 
der it. On the top of it, reclining as in life, with his 



paw resting upon the bag marked U. S. was a most 
exquisitely finished statue of the mastiff. The old 
lion on the hill seemed almost as much annoyed by 
the lifeless marble as the living monster; and some- 
times I thought he seemed actually frightened, as 
though the monster had come to life again and risen 
from his tomb. i 

Part VII. 

We must now return again to the Tumble-Bug, 
whom we left at the meeting in the "Kitchen Cabi- 
net." Looking toward Congress-hill, I was astonish- 
ed to see him now tugging with all his might and 
main at a great ball which he was striving to push 
up the side of the hill. For a long time his efforts 
were unavailing. Like many another poor tumble- 
bug, he sometimes got his ball a little way up the 
hill, when a stone or some other obstacle would turn 
it aside, and thus roll tumble-bug and ball further 
down than before. Nevertheless he did not appear 
discouraged, but with all that pertinacity for which 
the species are distinguished, renewed his efforts as 
often as defeated. Other tumble-bugs at length 
came to his assistance, when, " by a long push, a 
strong pash, and a push all together," the ball was 
rolled to the top of the hill. The national record 
was then seized by these tumble-bugs and laid down 
before the ball, when another push was made so as 
to roll it directly over that part of the record Avhero 
the sentence of condemnation was written Of 

1 



26 



course, the nature of the ball left a dark impression 
upon the page, and thus was this part of the record 
"Expunged!" The old ass was so delighted with 
tills piece of friendly service, that he at once dubbed 
them all " Knights of the black garter, and the sun- 
burnt ball,^^ and made them each a present of an ele- 
gant " yellow jacket," and a string of "mint drops." 
By way of distinction, Tumble-Bug was now called 
" The Great Expunger." Dressing himself up in 
his " yellow jacket," with the string of" mint drops" 
round his neck, he presently mounted his ball, and 
with a terrible flourish thus addressed the assem- 
bly:- 

" Solitary and alone, amid the jeers and taunts of 
my enemies, /set this ball in motion !" 



Part VIII. 

Looking again towards Government-hill, I per- 
ceived the little Fox, now^ eyeing very wistfully the 
v)hite hat which was on the top of the tree. As 
far as I could judge, he was trying his skill in climb- 
ing, for every few moments he shot up the tree, and 
then down again, like a flash, singing all the while 
that sublime and ancient song — 

" Hickory, dickory dock, 

The mouse ran up the clock ; — 

The clock struck one, the mouse ran down — 

Hickory, dickory dock !" 

While engaged in this delightful employment, a 
loud and hurried cry of " Matty ! Matty !" was heard 



27 

proceeding from the Ass within. In a twinkling 
Matty was in attendance, when he found the poor 
old creature in great agony. His travail, however, 
was short; for with the assistance of such a midwife 
as Matty no labour could be tedious. Accordingly, 
he was soon safely delivered of his " Farewell Ad- 
dress," a, promising ijoung ass, very much resembling 
his sire, except a streak or two of the fox, which, on 
a close inspection, might be seen about the head and 
tail. Having nothing else handy, the accoucheur took 
down an old cloak, which the people had been taught 
to believe was the "Mantle of Washington," which, 
in a miraculous manner, one "sun-shiny" day de- 
scended upon the old ass just after he took posses- 
sion of Government-hill. This wonderful cloak, I 
say, Matty now used as swaddling clothes for the 
infant ass ; and thus wrapped up, he was sent forth 
among the multitude as the last proof of affection 
which the old ass had to give them previous to con- 
signing the cudgel to his " successor.'' The next and 
the last act of the ass was to disrobe himself of his 
lion's skin, and place it on Matty, charging him, at 
the same time, "to follow^ steadily and faithfully in 
the footsteps of his Predecessor — to wear the lohite 
hat with honor to himself, and him who had worn it so 
long before; — and finally, should the Monster ever 
come to life again, he should persecute him, ' his seed, 
and his seed's seed for ever!' 

To all these injunctions Matty paid strict atten- 
tion, promising to turn neither to the right hand, 
nor to the left, but in every thing to walk according 



2^ 



to the advice and commandments of his Chief. 
These preliminaries being settled, Matty made a bold 
push for the top of the tree, and seizing the 2c}dte 
hat, clapped it on in a moment, exclaiming in an ex- 
ulting tone, " I'll be a King or die !" The hat unfor- 
tunately proved to be too large, which at once threw 
the little fellow into a serious difficulty. To think 
of reducing the size of the hat, was a thing entirely 
out of the question ; and to enlarge his head seemed 
equally impossible. In this quandary, Matty called 
together his friends to devise the best method of re- 
moving the difficulty. Some advised one thing, and 
some another. One recommended that his head 
should be put in a machine similar to that invented 
in England by a Mr. Easy; while another suggest- 
ed, that if a vaccuum was created by means of 
an air-pump, and the head placed in that, its size 
would be increased. At this critical moment a 
celebrated phrenologist, (Cull by name,) luckily 
came along, who was at once hailed, and his advice 
sought on this trying occasion. After carefully 
examining the head of the Fox, and measuring it 
with a " craniometer," the phrenologist gave it as his 
deliberate opinion that the difference between the 
size of the hat and the size of the Fox's head, was 
just the difference between the head of a fox and the 
head of an ass ; and that, as brains in the prede- 
cessor had not caused the size of the hat, therefore 
the head of the Fox could be increased without the 
addition of brains. 

A ray of hope now lighted up the countenances of 







V-S" 



PHKEINOLOCICAL EXAMINATION 



29 



all as they eagerly called out ^^ howl hoic?^^ The 
little Fox himself ran up, and seized the phrenologist 
by the hand, promising to he "a firm believer and 
supporter of the science if he would devise a way to 
increase the size of his head." 

" Well, then," said the phrenologist, " my advice is 
this: — You are aware that we all partake more or 
less of the nature of whatever we eat; for the food 
that we take into our system becomes assimilated to 
it, and so incorporated as to form the flesh of which 
we are composed ; — therefore, if you feed entirely up- 
on bea7', you insensibly imbibe the nature of the 
bear : if you eat hog, you become swinish : and so 
on. Accordingly, I advise that you at once procure 
a. jack-ass, slay and eat him ; and my word for it, 
that by the time you have finished him, you will not 
only imbibe the nature of the beast, but be in truth 
a jack-ass yourself. And this will enable you lite- 
rally to fulfil the parting admonition of your friend 
to follow faithfully in the footsteps of your predeces- 
sor ; for now your legs are too short to follow in his 
steps — your head too small to fit the hat — and your 
voice entirely too fox-like to imitate the lion^s roar!'^ 

As he concluded this speech, a universal shout of 
execration burst forth from jackall and vulture; and 
cries of " hustle him down ! hustle him down !' were 
so fiercely uttered, that the phrenologist concluded 
it wise in this emergency to exercise his cautiousness 
rather than his combativeness. 

The Fox now depending entirely upon himself, 
soon devised ways and means to remedy the evil, " so 



80 

to rights," he called in at once the aid of half a 
dozen tvlg makers, and in less time than it would 
take to say " Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled 
peppers," he had the wigs all fitted to his head, and 
the hat as comfortably fitted to the wigs. And 
now were the people delighted ; the old women de- 
clared that Matty w^as a icitch for sartin ; the old 
men shook their heads gravely, and muttered the 
ominous word " wizard ;" while the whole hickory 
fraternity pronounced him clearly a Magician. 

Part IX. 

The magician had enjoyed his honors but a few 
days, when a terrible catastrophe took place, which 
for a while left many in doubt as to the stability of 
Government-hill. It happened, one cold morning, a 
little before sunrise, that an " awful explosion," like 
an earthquake, was felt all over the plain, even to the 
farthest extremity. The whole nation were in the 
greatest consternation. Some thinking, from the 
rocking of the w^alls, that their houses were falling 
down on their heads, began to weep and lament in 
the most distressing and alarming manner. Others 
tore their hair in the agony and frenzy of the mo- 
ment, running about and screaming in the most 
heart-rending tones ; while others again gave them- 
selves in sullenness to despair, and cursed the day of 
their birth. In short, it would be impossible to de- 
scribe half the distress and wretchedness produced 
on that dreadful and never-to-be-forgotten day. 



31 



Government-hill could not be seen on account of a 
dense cloud uhicli resteii upon it. A strong smell of 
sulphur filled t'le atmosphere; but vvluU had gone with 
the inhabitants of the hill, no one for a long time 
could imagine. When at length the mist dispersed, 
to the great joy of the people Government-hill was 
yet standing, although sadly rent and injured. The 
" Great (xun Experiment " had bh)\vn itself to atotiis, 
and its friends to a place which it is against my prin- 
ciples to mention. Fragments of the hickory tree 
lay scattered as if struck by lightning; the birds and 
the beasts were blown in tlifferent directions both lar 
and near. The litle Fox, with his hat of glory, gold- 
en rays, and all the trappings of Royalty gone, lay at 
a distance, " with none so poor as to do him reve- 
rence." Tumble-Bug, alias " the Great Humbug," 
alias "the Expunger," was seen clinging to his ball 
as it rolled over and over, projected, with the velo- 
city of lightning, towards the West. The poor old 
ass, with the loss of his taiL w^as picked up near a 
place called the Hermitage, with scarcely a sound 
bone in his body. When I discovered him, they 
w^ere bearing him along on a litter, singing these 
mournful words : — 

" Alas, alas I Poor Ass, poor Ass ! 
Oh dear, how sad tliy hapless fate! 
Too bad, too bad — reform we fear is now too late ! 
Thy fortune gone — thy scheme ail blown, 
Thy glory fled, thy friends all dead, 
Alas, alas ! Poor Ass, poor Ass !" 

The Golden Ball was projected throe hundred yards 
from the hill and rent in twain ; when, to the astonislimonl of 
all the people, it was found to have l)cen holloir within and 
only ^tV^ without ! ! From it, as from the fabled box of Pan- 
dora, issued every evil thing which could be imagined. Pover- 
ty, Distress, and Famine caine forth, tbilowed by a jjhostly 
train, bearing in their arms whole bundles of paper ; some 
marked " Treasury Notcs,^^ others " iSub- Treasury,'^ others 



S2 



again were little pieces of ragged and dirty paper called 
" Shin Plasters f^ which were no sooner let loose from the 
hands of those who carried them, than, as if instinct with life, 
they immediately attached themselves to the shins of every- 
body, and caused such an itching and scratching that it 
seemed as if the poor folks thus tormented would go crazy. 

Many were the remedies proposed ; many were the doc- 
tors, and many the opinions of the doctors ; not as to the dis- 
ease, for one and all agreed that it was an obstruction, which 
must be removed in some way or other. One recommended 
" life pills" and " Phoenix bitters ;" another cried up *' Bran- 
deth's universals." The "mineral doctors" recommended 
mercury and amputation; while the Thomsonians- declared 
with loud voices, that nothing was half so good as " composi- 
tion tea," made from No. 1 up to No. 6 ; a "steam bath in a 
box where the patient could not get out, and plenty of " lo- 
belia 1" 



Part X. 

At this moment I was " willed " back again to my former 
state. My eyes opened, and I discovered that I had seen a vis- 
ion. This was my first, but not my last inagnetic discovery. 
By the agency of the same mysterious power, 1 have been 
enabled to see many things otherwise obscure ; even the 
events of the future have been exposed to my gaze — and ma- 
ny are the secret political meetings in which 1 have been an 
unobserved observer. Nothing escapes my ken. Not only 
do I keep a watch upon the actions of all political jugglers, 
but I also " in spirit " travel daily from place to place to search 
out the misery of men, and to discover the cause of that 
misery. And further, I have made discoveries in relation to 
our earth which mankind as yet have never dreamed of; the 
North Pole and the South Pole have been carefully scrutinized, 
and — but this is not the place to tell what I have done. It 
remains with the public to say whether my wonderful magneti- 
cal discoveries shall ever be published, or whether, with the 
second number of the Vision of Judgment, they all shall 
have the "fame of oblivion." 

Respectfully, &c. 

JUNIUS, Jr. 

New- York, January 1st, 1838. 



JOC^ 



